Dispatch from my docking station (aka Lost Lagoon)

lostnot

My feet hurt, but in a good way. A healthy way. I walked around the seawall and Lost Lagoon for three hours today, pausing to snap photos of water droplets clinging to a spiderweb, the mist rising over the water, the swans and their elaborate preening, and finally a talented young musician. It was exactly what my soul needed: to connect with nature and share a conversation with an artist who is pursuing her work with mighty determination and focus. Her  name is Joline Baylis. Go find her on the seawall or the Robson side of the Vancouver Art Gallery. She’s worth the effort.

These last few weeks have been touched by a new sense of possibility and innocence. After my public confession of my creative, social and financial terrors, I feel empowered to start over. Like all those crummy things I told myself for years and years have finally melted away and I get to start telling different stories now. Stories that have some magic and hope in them. I am allowed to have some miracles.

I am still committed to exploring the grittier parts of my life. It’s part of my milieu. I come by the murky and sketchy bits honestly. I was a party girl for many years and by some providence I was lucky not to spiral into the bottom rungs of addiction. I’m incredibly lucky. But there are truths to be discovered in all that suffering. I’m actively looking for them in the depths of my memory. From a place of health and presence. I’m trying, anyway.

Speaking of miracles, the Expo 86 research gig got pushed. (For those not on my Facebook, the documentary project I was hired to do research on has been put on hold by PBS and I don’t know when it will get rekindled).

Almost right away, I got a short contract as an office PA at Means of Production, a thriving small business that offers a bounty of services to the commercial, film and television markets. I’m basically looking at beautiful photos of locations all day and making sure they transfer properly onto a new drive. It’s different work than what I’m used to, but I’m grateful to be doing something that benefits an organization I believe in. My coworkers are inspiring. I get to hear snippets of conversations and observe the complex workings of a successful production company. It will likely wrap up next week, but I’m so grateful to be earning in an environment that feeds my soul. They also have a gorgeous office dog named Frida Kahlo. So that helps.

I was also contacted about another research and writing contract that will likely start up after Christmas. I was recommended by my producer on the PBS doc, so I’m happy to be providing value to new clients and employers. As if by magic, when I made the decision to let go of work that was bruising my soul and more often than not, paying astonishingly low wages, offers to work for companies that align with my beliefs and skills are starting to come in. I am cultivating a healthier work ethic, one that is more sustainable. With my background I am suited for a variety of creative jobs and contracts that pay a living wage. I am grateful to have reached this understanding. At last.

I’m learning a new way of operating. Some days I wobble and falter, but that’s cool. At least I know that feeling isn’t forever. It doesn’t need to define me or consume me.  Speaking of which, there’s a full moon coming. We’ll see how much crazy comes with it.

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